Growing a Human

I’ve already gone back and forth about the whole internet pregnancy chat. I hear it seems to garner a lot of opinions, which when your hormones are thrashing you and your body is changing, seems like an unwanted additional stressor. That said I’ve recently been thinking about my impression of pregnancy before versus now and had some thoughts about it!

Firstly I want to say this is the most exciting thing that’s happened in my whole life! In addition to being just so excited to meet my little babe I’m amazed by what’s happening inside my body. There are ACTUAL little human bones in there and kicks and LIFE it’s amazing! From my early 7 week scan to my 20 week anatomy scan it’s crazy how much changed. I’m truly fascinated that all of this is happening while I keep on keeping on. I have never felt this level of gratitude in my life, my partner, my body, our parents, our house, our healthily growing baby, I’m telling you it’s a wild level of gratitude to be here and experiencing it all.

So, did I come on here to gush about gratitude? Unfortunately not quite. Two things happened when I found out I was pregnant, shocked excitement and panic. I found out at 4 weeks 1 day, so I was due for my period but it wasn’t really late yet. I had sore boobs like never before and had taken a nap that week which is very unlike me, so I checked. Full disclosure we had talked about babies, I had been BBT tracking and nothing was happening. So I had stuff to test available but had kind of accepted the process might be a long one and I was accepting that. So I was excited to see two lines on my cheapy test and went about making an appointment to confirm that day. After that I was greeted by 3 weeks of panic as I waited to check viability. I think in that time I downloaded like 3 separate apps that tell you about where you are in the process, what’s going on with baby, and connect you to a group of women due the same month as you. 

The first thing I did upon finding out was tell my doctor that I work with on my mental health medications and stopped taking my ADHD medication (which I had only recently started and had phenomenal improvement). I was slightly concerned about my ability to keep up with my graduate classes which did cause me to take leave earlier than I had hoped but I do just really want to say pregnancy is way more complex than I ever thought before getting pregnant.

As someone who has spent a lot of my 20s navigating ups and downs in mental wellness I knew early on that due to the hormonal changes during pregnancy I was at a higher risk for depression and anxiety during and after pregnancy. However in my first trimester besides being tired and nervous about everything being okay I was very excited (still am don’t worry)! As I entered my second trimester which is “supposed” to be easier, says all of the advice and apps I read, you have more energy and can get shit done. I remember having a good week and then started to get pelvic pain and varying energy levels which did not factor into my plans for keeping on track with grad school.

I’m not sure if it’s the lingering pandemic, not having a close friend that has gone through pregnancy, or just my instagram/YouTube impression of “the real pregnancy” but the reality of pregnancy for me was devastatingly not what I had expected. It actually took about a month to six weeks of guilt, anxiety, and worsening depressive feelings before I talked with my therapists, boyfriend, and mom about feeling horrible because I wasn’t enjoying pregnancy and felt like I should be.

Including my support people in my struggle led to a medication increase and an emotional “permission” to not be okay and get support that I needed to get to the end of my pregnancy happily. Thankfully since then things have gotten so much better! I did lighten my responsibilities by taking time away from school but the mental/emotional improvement was 100% worth it for me. I’ve never stopped being excited to meet my little beeb and I’m grateful to be able to manage more of the uncomfortable bits now so that it’s all more enjoyable. I know now that pregnancy is actually hard and not just because you have a small person kicking your ribs and you can’t wear your favorite pants anymore. (I didn’t get a bump until I was in my 6th month. Did not know it could take that long.) Perinatal depression and anxiety can be super serious aside from just feeling shitty. Take care of yourself, even if it means admitting the bad stuff, so that you and your babe can make it to month 9/10 and cuddle earth side.

Xx D